Stage fear.. a journey   Leave a comment

So I am a part of the Toastmaster’s club now .. After attending a few sessions I finally decided to enroll and become a member .. The first topic’s goal is to generally choose something that defines you . Tells about you .

God knows what got into my head and I chose   “Stage fear.. a journey”

Heres how it went ”

Intro:  What I am going to talk about today is stage fear.  No don’t get me wrong I am not here to give you any gyaan on how to tackle it. But I am only here to remind you what all happens to you when you face the stage.

Let’s call it a relationship. A journey. Ohh that horrific experience!    it’s a love hate relationship really.  You LOVE it as much as you HATE it.

No matter how much you try to avoid it there will come a time when you are asked to do something in front of an audience.. It could be anything!

It all starts with parents trying to show their children off in front of the guests.. a random act of asking them to sing a nursery rhyme ..  Remember singing “twinkle twinkle little star”  Or ABCD ?

I have a two year old and I DO that to my child !

I remember I must’ve not been more than 12 years old when I was asked to go on stage in school and present the thought for the day. it was simple. I chose the shortest line  I could find and thought to myself. how hard could it be?!  I mean I had done this  before .. the stage was not new to me  .. oh those  endless fancy dress competitions. Jhaansi ki rani   , Hindustani dulhan  , and god knows what! ..i wonder what my parents  thought when they chose these roles. But yeah anyway.   I went and stood for my turn to come with not a worry in my mind.

The moment the school captain called my name there I was facing the crowd.. It felt like an army waiting to shoot me down..  All I had to say was As you sow, so you reap.  6 words!  but my brain froze  right  there. I remember mumbling  the words “as you sow “ thrice  .. looking here and there and going completely blank. One of the teachers simply held my hand and asked me to step down.. I did that.. the year went by and I did not dare to face the stage again.

I thought this was the end .. I told myself that this isn’t my thing and moved on.

By then i realized that i was developing a taste for dance.. I had started learning bharatnayam and I was one of the better performers in my batch..

That’s when I knew that my relationship with the stage had not come to an end. I started participating in all the competitions in school and I would bag the first prize every time!

Oh yes people had forgotten about my moment on the stage and I did manage to finish those lines the next time.. AND the next time!  So EVERYTIME I was asked to do it I would go up on the stage. Stand confidently and say as you sow so you reap! . EVERY TIME!

No one cares or listens! At least that’s what I thought then.

oh how I loved the stage then. School got over and college started … people around me changed    … and I met some beautiful people who had the passion for music..    I realized if I were trained a little I could manage to sing quite well . The stage and I were not going to break up that easily. i couldn’t do speeches  but I could dance  , I could sing !!  All those lights the attire and people watching me.. That adrenaline rush ! it felt amazing  .

I started singing.. I was a part of the choir. It was a group performance.. the stage fear subsides a little cause you know  there are people singing around you and even if you goof up you can just lip sync and  catch up !  but you don’t realise it then  .

I graduated and got my first   job ever…

I was in a new city now. Work was good, people were good   I had this great group of friends and colleagues.  I had started earning now! I was living on my own. I had my dance going on. Life was good.

We had a band in our company.. they had the whole  deal . A guitarist, a keyboard player a drummer. It was fabulous.. They wanted a girl singer.  My friend asked me to  go give it a shot .. I thought ok how hard could it be? I had sung before..  I and didn’t hate the stage so much anymore!

I said yes and we chose the song complicated by avril lavigne  .. she was my fav back then  .

For those who don’t know about this artist She was the jagjit singh of my life . a bad break up? Avril lavigne, self doubt and need for motivation  ? avril lavigne , in a phase of your life where you think all the wrong things are  happening to you avril lavigne!  Her music had the power to heal!

Anyway we practiced.. a lot . and we did really really well ..   the day of our performance  arrived and  there  I was  standing on stage . the song must not have been more than 2 minutes  . it started  and it ended . people clapped  . friends congratulated me  . I was excited and I wanted to see my performance and was eagerly waiting for the video to come.

So when you sing you either bob your head or tap your feet or snap your fingers to get the beat right.. OF all the body parts I have in my body  I chose to move my HIP   .. Throughout the 2 minutes that I stood there  I was moving like what a dog would do to a table .. I wouldn’t want to elaborate.

I had forced my boyfriend back then to come and watch me sing .. He didnt and I’m GLAD he didnt ! I NEVER saw  that video ever  again .

I just didn’t care how I performed!

I told myself and the stage finally that listen if we really want this relationship to work, I dance and you watch . NOTHING else! We can save the speeches  , and singing for the others  ! PERIOD!

One gets wiser with time. I realized it was only dance that I could relate to and perform with full confidence and I chose to do just that.

The more I performed the more I realized that I liked the nervousness and anxiety that one experiences before stepping on stage.. it gives you the feeling that you are going to  do something that not many can .

And now that I’m good at it I am back to working on my public speaking skills. So let me end my speech with a wonderful saying…  It’s Deep. AS YOU SOW, SO YOU REAP.

Thank you.

No it didn’t turn out exactly the way i wanted to  .. but i received a decent feedback ..My next topic .. PARENTING.  see you soon!





Posted January 17, 2018 by spazzedmylife in Uncategorized

Living life in extremes .   Leave a comment

Life is like a pendulum . It’s either full of joy , fun, adventure, challenges and happiness within , or it simply is  a restless soul looking for some peace somewhere , anywhere .

No there need not be anything dramatic in your life .  Everyone and everything around you just remains constant.  It’s just you who has  stopped living, stopped thinking , looking for a constant reason to not get up and finish what you started .

Why is it so difficult to push back to that side of the space where you are at your best ? When you know you’ll be happier and more content with life once you reach there. 

What stops you ?   What is the meaning of giving up ? What is the meaning of giving in. No there’s nothing deep about it. It’s just called being lazy… yes that’s it. No motivation? No time for fun ?  No time  to breathe with the ever so busy life that you live? Nàh ! It’s just the lack of will power which makes you not want to budge. 

Theres  this person in all of us . We all go through this phase . Some a lot, some a little less. 

I know people who are full of petty excuses and explanations as to how things didn’t go the right way for them . Yes they live a lie. And at the same time I’ve seen people with a ” Go getter ” attitude  all the time . So much that it is overwhelming ! You feel like telling him or her  to just take a chill pill!!

Why is everything in such extremes ? 

Finding that right balance of running when you have to and taking a step back when you know it’s required .. 

If one conquers that I think he’d have conquered it all.

Conclusion. Oscillating!! 

Posted February 9, 2017 by spazzedmylife in Uncategorized

A journal . Thoughts in my head right now.   Leave a comment

Randomness . Is that even a word . Time flies . It’s been 3 years in Bangalore . And the journey has been  very smooth, very memorable . I have  grown up , I’m maturer  and we have a wonderful baby girl now who continues to teach us simple lessons of life. We( my husband and I )  are constantly trying to be better human beings just so that she learns from us and develops good habits . 

The reason for this post. It’s more of a journal really . With very common troubles and anxiety that any individual experiences . Some choose to express it some don’t .  

I live three lives  ( roles ) .

A homemaker . : Yes that’s the very first role cause I have  upon me the responsibility of taking care of my wonderful home and it’s people . Constantly .  Endlessly . Is anything ever enough ? One has to learn to tell that to oneself that  you are doing what you can.  People management , logistics , disciplin , planning and team work, words like these  are  to be put to use at home ..First.  What you are at home you will be at work . So that’s where you begin to be good. That’s where you learn to be a perfectionist. 

An IT employee. 

It’s been ten years since I started working . Every company I worked with has only taught me to  unlearn what is unnecessary and take with me what’s essential. Mind you . Good things and bad things . 

I work with a great team , people with all kinds of background , would I want to be  among better people ? Yes. Certainly . But do I dislike what I currently do ? Not at all .  People respect me and look up to me in a certain way. I lead projects here and I pretty much am a dependable resource to the team. But I want to go further . I don’t want to get comfortable here .  And I am constantly looking for opportunities within and outside. Let’s see what life has in store for me .

A Dancer 

Yes. The dancer within me has done loads in the past few months. I’ve joined a wonderful class where the instructors are brilliant . 

 And I want to learn hiphop now . I’m far too comfortable with bollywood style of dancing. What do I lack ? Disciplin and consistency. Am i working on it ? Yes .

Most of the times we have an answer to all our worries.It’s always easier to clean someone elses mess than our own. 

My worry ? Anxiety , others opinions,  being ridiculously slow to catch up with life . 

The answer : who doesn’t have this problem . So just get up.  wait . you already ARE there so  just do what you think is right ! 

This is why people make resolutions right ? To get back on track ? 

Conclusion : not bored anymore. 😍


Posted January 27, 2017 by spazzedmylife in Uncategorized

BAngalore!! #Transfers    Leave a comment

Read a few random posts. Once you start reading it is enough inspiration for you to start writing again , My Blog is an open journal where I try so share an experience which has touched me more than the usual.

We’ve moved to Bangalore. Am I happy  ? Yes. Very . Will I Miss Pune? Yes, Very Much, Like they say  you tend to make a perfect ecosystem of your own wherever you live for more than two years.  No matter how far you are from the rest of the city you grow comfortable around the people and the things around you.

The perfect ecosystem has been broken to make a bigger and a better one.

Well, we’re here now , and we are still in the process of settling down , When I left Pune , I left the place with a heavy heart. I had tears in my eyes , the endless farewells, the anxiety of entering a whole new state was driving me nuts.

It all went away when I saw my brother and sis in law waiting for me at home, I had a blast the next ten days  and forgot about all the anxiety and change in my life.. i felt like i was on vacation!

Now , the list of things that I intend to do here is LOONG , And I am Excited, I want to work , I want to work on small projects , Join a dance school again  , I want to do it all .

Cant wait for my new life to begin.

Conclusion : Waiting for it all!






Posted April 25, 2014 by spazzedmylife in Uncategorized

Yet another drive to Baroda   Leave a comment

No, this is not about how we reached Baroda . This time it was different. It had been ten days since my grandfather had expired and we were to attend the 10th day ceremony. My husband , my cousin and I reached Baroda before sunset. I met my Uncles .. I wondered if it was the journey that had drained me out or was it the sheer thought of not seeing my grandpa ever again.

I have practically spent all my summers in Baroda, Witnessed the first shower of rains every year there.

My Grandfather was a renowned doctor in the field of Ayurveda. He has contributed an abundance of research to our country and the world. But that’s what he was to the whole world.

For me , he was my grandpa, my Ajoba , My mums Dad who was strict yet fun loving ,who loved spending time with all his grand children, was warm and very loving by nature.

He was no more now. I was never going to see him sitting in his study any more.

It is very human to miss some one when it is time for him to go , I know, I decided not to regret not spending enough time  and remember the good times together instead .He’d narrate all kinds of stories, share fun facts about science , make us realize we were citizens of this country and it is our duty to contribute in some way or the other. He would do it with a slight hint but make sure it would reach us eventually.

Monday, 24th February was the tenth day, according to Hindu tradition , after a persons demise there is a diya (candle)lit in the place where he/she has expired . The flame continuously is lit till the tenth day after which Tilanjali is done.

Tilanjali is a small ritual where the members of the family pray and free the soul to move on to its next life.  Hinduism believes in the concept of ‘Punarjanm ‘ or ‘rebirth’ where the soul is free to enter another life.

Crows are considered to be the messengers of our ancestors . After the ritual , a small piece of roti, and curd-rice is offered to the birds, they say that the soul is set free only after the crow eats away the food.

If the bird takes time to eat they say that the soul  hasn’t fulfilled its wishes in this life and is not ready to move on, which is when the family walks up and promises that they would continue to fulfill all his dreams.

All of this happened. The crow came after a while, ate the food that was offered and left. There were parrots and sparrows and a lot of other birds in the crematorium . It was only the crows that came down to eat. Why so? How so ? What is it that they sense which the other birds don’t ? Crows are known to be very intelligent , but what is it that makes them decide which food to pick first. It amazes me how our ancestors have drawn this conclusion .

I am back at home thinking and writing my thoughts away. I miss my ajoba, My mother is tired of weeping but is relieved that he doesn’t have to bare the pains of his illness anymore.

Conclusion : She weeps, but sleeps in peace. He is in peace. So is she.

Posted February 26, 2014 by spazzedmylife in Uncategorized

In my dancing shoes again! Tap TWO three four!   3 comments

I happened to visit a blog which had a video posted,  It was a blog on various latin dance forms.

A couple had uploaded heir performance. It was simple, not too complicated , just looked like they were having a good time ,with not a worry in this world.

This got me thinking, Why am i not doing what i like? After i got married , my priorities changed.  I had 10 other things to fuss over and worry about. I had a bare house to furnish , i had a new family to call my own and a husband to take care of.

Anyway I told my self if there was anyone to blame it would only be me.

So I joined a month’s workshop at a considerably famous dance School. I was among the beginners , the first few classes almost made me quit because the people around me were kids right from the age of 7 to 17. I felt Old.    I was in a phase where my level of dancing was way more than a beginner and at the same time i could not call my self a part of the advanced group.

I decided to fight the temptation of giving up. I realized I liked what i was doing.

The more i danced the more i realized that i belonged there, i felt alive , i wanted to learn more, i wanted to do well i wanted to get better and in the end of-course dance my heart out.

I made new friends, started helping out if they were weak at a certain dance move. We finally made a group of our own.

It had almost been three weeks  when i got a call, i was told i had been selected for the advanced batch .

I agreed and told them that i would be there on time.  I was thrilled, The new choreography was at a whole new level and i was among some of the best dancers in the school.

My routine was fixed, i would workout during the week and go for practice during weekends.

A months hardwork paid off on the 20th of May 2012,  when we danced on stage with fancy costumes and loud makeup.

I wouldnt call this the beginning, cause now i tell my self. Last year was a new phase of life. I was only on a break!

Conclusion : Happy feet again.

Posted June 4, 2012 by spazzedmylife in Journals

Hello world! Here’s my first post   8 comments

Here you go, My first ever post.

After a long weekend of a break, i am back at work . took some time out since i am over stressed with life in general.

The long weekend wasnt really a break . I had a lot of people (mostly family) come over for the vastu shanti that happened at my place.

It wasn’t a very big event but we had invited almost over 25 guests . I truly enjoyed organizing and managing all the food and accommodation as this was an event in my home , at my place  and i was practically in charge of every little thing that happened.

Vastu shanti is a puja that is done to do away all the negativity and bad vibes that surround the house. Vastu purush is a devil that we worship and request him not to bring any kind of trouble and unrest in the family or to the house.

He has finally been Pleased, which is what my parents think and now all will be good.

I dont know if i believe in it , but for me its an exaggerated  way of making a decision and promising to oneself  that “i shall take care of my house and my family and protect it from all the bad things that could come our way ”

Conclusion. At peace now.

Posted March 13, 2012 by spazzedmylife in Journals